one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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