Only a mothe r could love this liver
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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