um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Hippo gnu deer
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
