is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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