I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
