One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
