I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize