apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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