i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
