she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
