someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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