Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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