I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
