So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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