So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
