Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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