When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
