just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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