Betty ford says i'm here all night
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
