i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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