I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
