How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
