some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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