i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
