Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didn't notice because vodka
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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