Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
