no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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