My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
