I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
