Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
