Kareoke will never be a sober sport
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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