You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
