My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
