soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
