I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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