Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
