Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
