At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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