the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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