I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
