he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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