Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
