Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize