Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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