Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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