i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
