She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
