the condom got lost in my hair
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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