you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
