You smell like a Billy Joel song
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
