I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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