Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
