I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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