Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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