YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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