Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
