hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
